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The Sweet Fragrance of Our Toil

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I remember the incredible energy and enthusiasm I had in early adulthood to make my way in life. I was naïve in the ways of the world and idealistic to a distinct and long-lingering fault. My pragmatic friend Judy tried to point out my rose-colored vision and give me a reality check, but I cheerfully resisted and persisted in my verdant views of life. I was young, fresh-faced, and immature in experience and judgement. I was in the early Spring of my life, teeming with tender ideas and raw emotions.

One month after we had been walking through those resistant, persistent snow piles in central Minnesota and after our short stay in Cassville, WI for Mary’s burial, Chris and I spent a couple of days in the verdant hills of Forestville/ Mystery Cave State Park in southeastern Minnesota. The trees had not fully leafed out yet—groves of Walnut trees, shy of cold temps, were just pushing out their young compound leaves. Everything was fresh and green and flourishing! This ‘driftless’ area of Minnesota was unglaciated in the last two glacial advances, but the glacial meltwater cut through the limestone and created the bluffs that predominate the area. Winding through and at the bottom of the bluffs are shallow, cold water streams and rivers that support trout, making this an angler’s paradise. After a death and burial, our bodies and minds do well to have a respite from the busy, ‘normal’ life that feels like an assault against the tenderhearted soul work of losing a loved one. This rich green park was a perfect place to buffer ourselves for a transition time back to normal life.

We hiked the Palisade Trail the first morning in the shadow of the palisade or line of cliffs that loomed over the shallow South Branch of the Root River. On the trail down to the river bottom, we saw Mayapples with their two umbrella leaves and single white flower.

Wild Geraniums and Honeysuckle flowers attracted bees and insects and disseminated a sweet fragrance.

The limestone cliff shaded the River and trail from the morning sun—it was noticeably cooler when we descended to the River.

Meadow Rue, Wild Mustard, and Wild Blue Phlox thrived in the cool valley of the rugged limestone cliffs.

With the heat of the sun and the cool of the valley floor, dew had collected on plants, including the beautiful Virginia Bluebells, and soaked our shoes as we walked.

There were fishermen trying to land a trout, and geese swimming in and flying above the River. It was a peaceful, beautiful place.

Later in the day, we walked another trail that wound by the Root River, through the campgrounds, and up over a Maple tree-covered hill and ridge. Ferns of every sort and large Jack-in-the-Pulpits lined the trail.

The park has a horse camp area, and we saw numerous riders on some of the trails we hiked. The horse trail forded the River below the road bridge. Hiking up the ridge was a good workout, and as we puffed our way up, a horse rider exclaimed that they let their horse do the work!

The trail at the top of the ridge was beautiful. I had expected there to be a flattened meadow once we got to the top, but the ridge was literally the ridge between two steep, deeply wooded valleys. Exploring a new place is always an adventure.

Early Spring, whether in our own lives or in Nature’s cyclic rhythm, is a time of fresh and supple greenness. Ideas, beliefs, faces, leaves, flowers, and all accompanying entities are unscarred, unscathed, and untested. Then comes Life, death, soul injuries, insects, weather, loss, and a whole host of things that temper the young, fresh living beings. ‘Temper’ is a key word about the process—it describes how steel is heated and then cooled repeatedly to improve its hardness and elasticity. Life does harden our young greenness, but it also increases our elasticity or resilience, if we include ‘the cooling.’

Whenever there is grief, a ‘heating up’, whether by the death of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, a stark and jolting reality check, or the gradual realization that a naïve, fervently-held belief is not nor ever has been true, we desire comfort. “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”* Comfort is the ‘cooling off’, the neutralizer or counterbalance to the heat and pain of Life. It is often overlooked, undervalued, and not given its due time and respect by society. “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; he leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul.”* Green pastures, streams and rivers, old forests, ancient rocks, fragrant flowers, rest, love, words of care and understanding, hugs, and time for self reflection cool us down and restore our souls. Life is a good workout for our souls, but we have to do the restorative work ourselves. God knows it’s hard work, and he leads us on the right paths.* With each pain, each grief, each adventure, and each comfort, we are tempered—stronger and more resilient. “Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.”*—the sweet fragrance of our toil.

*from Psalm 23

Flowing Together Like a Great River

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I grew up caring for animals. Always cats and dogs. Sometimes chickens and ducks. Later horses and cattle. I would feed them, make sure they had water, help build their shelters, and take care of their wounds. I hauled hay, cleaned out stalls, helped pull a calf, and doctored pink eye. Taking care of animals teaches responsibility, selflessness (chores come first), and hard work. I loved it, and I loved them.

I’ve been a little obsessed lately about what people care about and how it seems to be skewed in some odd directions. Can you make a list of things you really care about? And how do you know you really care about something? Spend time doing the work of caring? Spend money in support of the cared about thing? Give energy to the entity, relationship, or cause high on the caring list? And then, what is the outcome of your caring? That’s often even harder to identify and articulate. Certainly we gave time, money, and energy to caring for our animals—in return they gave us food, protection, fun, love, livelihood, and lessons, to name a few.

When looking up the definition of ‘care,’ I was surprised that the first meaning of the noun was ‘suffering of mind: grief.’ The second was ‘a disquieted state of mixed uncertainty, apprehension, and responsibility.’ The third was ‘painstaking or watchful attention.’ The verb care was similar. Only later on the list of meanings for both was desire, regard, interest, or fondness mentioned. The first definition actually gets to the crux of care—if what we really care about is ‘taken away,’ suffering of mind is sure to follow.

Two weeks ago we pulled out of our driveway on the Great River Road and hours later drove the Great River Road into tiny Cassville, Wisconsin. We left the Mississippi River at times to expedite our trip, but the force of it was ever present on our minds. We returned to Cassville to bury Chris’ sister’s remains beside her parents and infant brother. The four and a half months since her death had taken the edge off our grief, but our disquieted minds still desired the closure of a burial. The permanence of a burial, along with prayers and blessings for the deceased and for those caring, grieving people left to live, is a sealing of that chapter of life.

After seeing the flooding the Great River unleashed in our area, we were curious to see what was happening in Cassville at the little resort cabin we had reserved that was the favorite of Chris’ folks. The floodwaters had risen to the edge of the cabins but had started to recede by the time we got there.

Our first visitor to the deck overlooking the River was a tiny Hummingbird. Soon after, we discovered a pair of Robins had a nest in the Birch tree that provided shade from the western sunlight. The male Robin took great care to bring food to his mate who warmed the eggs in the nest they had built.

The receding floodwaters and subsequent mud provided a perfect playground for a pair of Killdeer and their fluffy, long-legged offspring. Their halting scurrying, bobbing, and distinct high-pitched chattering made them endearing neighbors.

The people-free, flooded dock was a great place for the Northern Map Turtles to bask in the sun. I didn’t even see the little ones in the bright sunlight when I was taking the photo of the big one. The next day we saw one floating down the River on a log—I think they are glad for this warm Spring weather, too!

Across the slough on an island was a dead tree that provided the perfect lookout for an ever-watchful Eagle.

It was good to be in Cassville beside the River. The cabin hadn’t changed much since the folks had stayed there, and my mind easily ‘saw’ them standing against the pine-paneled walls or on the deck overlooking the River. These people who we so deeply cared for and loved were home again or still in this River land, in this familiar cabin, and as always, in our hearts. Evening came with softly rippled reflections. The still water seemed ‘alive’ with a humming layer of mosquitoes or other bugs that had the fish jumping. The well-fed fish had little interest in the lures and bait that Chris and Aaron were throwing into the water from the marina dock.

As dusk fell, a Spotted Sandpiper teetered about in the shallow water, and a beaver swam undeterred until Aaron threw his line too close for the rodent’s comfort.

I cared for our animals with diligence and love, and if one of them was injured or died, I suffered their injury or loss. I like the analogy of grief as suffering of mind—it normalizes the pain of loss and gives it a deep container and a long timeline in which to hold it. Time tends to ease a suffering mind in ways that make living a little more doable. I have learned that the next step is to give your suffering mind some watchful attention, some care, some love, so that life becomes more than just doable. If we think about our grief as a palpable display of caring and love, the grieving and the living flow together like a great river. When grief gets dammed up behind a supposedly protective wall, it can easily overwhelm everyday life. It displays as depression, anxiety, lethargy, anger, blame, hate, and violence. Remember, grief is a suffering mind, no matter the cause. I think Mary’s life and death taught me to bind the suffering with joyful living. As a person with Down Syndrome, she needed people to take care of her—there was always uncertainty, apprehension, and responsibility with her care (just as with all children.) And she cared deeply for the people around her, for animals, and for her job—she lived with joy. I can suffer her death and live with a peaceful heart. It takes time, energy, and oftentimes money to really care about someone, a relationship, an entity, or a cause. Caring is the business of lifting up, providing for, giving attention to, and suffering at the loss of the cared-for; it is not a frivolous business. We can all step into the great river of caring and grieving, loving and suffering—it is a force that can change the world.

Chasing the Sun

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I bought a Sting album a number of years ago because of one song—“Soul Cake.” I loved the traditional instruments, the Celtic sound, and the inference that cake could be good for one’s soul—“Any good thing to make us all merry.” I had never listened to anything by Sting before that. The album contains some Christmas carols, but I never listen to it until after Christmas, in the gray days of January. It is titled, “If on a Winter’s Night…” and explores the deep feelings and thoughts that the cold, gray Winter brings to our doorsteps. This year, after Mary’s death, the song that catches my heart’s attention is “The Hounds of Winter.”

“Mercury falling, I rise from my bed, Collect my thoughts together, I have to hold my head; It seems that she’s gone And somehow I am pinned By the Hounds of Winter Howling in the wind.” –Sting

Our goal last weekend was to find some sun—the gray, cloudy days had persisted and resisted any positive forecasts that promised a peek of the happy-maker. “If we go north, we should have some sun by about one o’clock,” I strategized, looking at the weather app. So we packed snacks and snowshoes and headed north to Crow Wing State Park near Brainerd. When we pulled into the cleared parking lot, there were no signs of dispersing clouds, let alone a peek of sunshine. Still hopeful, we strapped on our snowshoes and followed the Red River Oxcart Trail along the Mississippi River.

We were not far along on the trail when I saw a sliding track in the snow. Alternating footprints were on either side of the slide—River Otters had been having some fun in the snow!

Not only was the sun nowhere to be found, the gray sky made the snow look gray—only the darker gray trees interrupted the gray expanse of our visual world. It was stark. It bordered on bleak. The hounds of Winter.

Another Otter slide etched through the snow and disappeared over the edge of the high River bank—that would be an exciting slide! I shoed through the deep snow to peer over the bank and saw his slide trail go all the way across the ice to the open ribbon of water.

Despite the lack of sun, it was a good day for snowshoeing. The temperature was in the low teens, and as long as we kept moving, we stayed warm but not sweaty.

Another Otter slide started on one side of the trail on a little hill, crossed our trail, then zoomed down the River embankment after a little hiccup with a snow-embedded branch. Otters slide on their chest and bellies, and when gravity doesn’t pull them along, they push themselves along with their hind feet.

We stopped for some water and a snack as we looked out over the frozen Mississippi River at Chippewa Lookout, then circled back towards the Old Crow Wing townsite where we had begun our hike.

A circle of Lichens

The history of this park includes the sites of three different mission churches, including one from the Catholic Church, where now stands a small, granite chapel. As we snowshoed past the outdoor alter, the words “Hail Mary, full of grace” came to my mind.

We never found the Sun. The gray Hounds of Winter found us. After the initial shock of a loved one’s death, grief can harry us, like Sting says “the Hounds of Winter, they harry me down.” Everyday life has a different feel, even as there are times when a day’s routine takes our mind away from the bleakness. There are even moments of joy that penetrate the grief like a ray of sunshine. Imagining the otters sliding in the snow gave me that ray of happiness. There is something to be said for living in the grief, in the stark grayness. For in the midst of the gray grief is the reason why we even feel that way—love. With each step forward, the grief is acknowledged and integrated into our being. With each step forward, the love is remembered and held up in gratitude.

Begin, Again, at the Beginning

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I wanted to begin the New Year at the beginning of the Mississippi River—it seemed like a wonderfully symbolic way to leave the old year behind and begin again with the new year. It was the antithesis of the Times Square chaos of people, noise, and celebration; it was the three of us—Chris, Emily, and me, it was unbelievably quiet, and the fiesta was a frolic in the frosty forest on snowshoes. We walked out of the old year and into the new year with hope and the renewal that comes from a flip of the calendar. It is like a universal ‘permission’ to lay down the things we no longer want to carry and an ‘encouragement’ to begin again. Little did we know on that day that in one week’s time we would have to ‘pick up’ what we did not want to carry and begin, again, with another round of January grief.

With the beginning of the Mississippi River is the start of the Great River Road—3,000 miles of National Scenic Byway that runs on both sides of the River at various places through ten states. Here at Itasca State Park is the beginning of the Great River Road; it is the same road we turn off from to get to our home in Sartell; it is the same road that goes through St. Paul where our son Aaron lives; it is the same road that goes through tiny Cassville, Wisconsin where Chris’ folks were born, raised, and buried; and it is the same road that goes through the metropolitan area of St. Louis, Missouri where a little girl named Mary Brake lived at the beginning of her life.

By our second day at Itasca—New Year’s Day—we were getting our bearings. It takes a while to do so when in a new place. It takes a while to do so when death impinges on our lives.

The Great Mississippi River begins at a pile of rocks where water flows from the North Arm of the wishbone-shaped Lake Itasca. It flows north for a time, then arcs east, southeast, southwest, then southeast again until it maintains its southward flow. It took a while for it to get its bearings, too, I guess.

What a fascination (or is it merely function?) we have for ‘crossing’ a creek, a stream, or a River. In the summertime, thousands of people cross the source of the Mississippi on the rocks or by wading in the shallow water. Not fifty yards downstream was a thick wooden plank placed across the mighty maiden river. I wasn’t the first to walk the snowy plank. A little ways down the trail was another bridge where I could see another bridge from which I saw a fourth bridge! I wonder how many bridges cross the 2,552 miles of great, winding River?!

And so it begins….

With our map, our bearings, a good night’s sleep, a wonderful cabin-cooked breakfast, and our enthusiasm for the New Year, we strapped on our snowshoes to follow the two-mile loop of Dr. Roberts Trail. It was narrow and ungroomed, a perfect snowshoe trail. The first stretch was on a boardwalk through a bog. Patches of tannin-orange and brown bog water showed through the snow, and even with its lazy flow, I wondered why it wasn’t frozen like the large Lake Itasca we walked beside.

Beard Lichen that had fallen from a tree

A boardwalk bridge lifted us to a little hill where the Old Timer’s Cabin overlooked the Lake. It was the first building project of the Civilian Conservation Corp (CCC) at Itasca, which began in December 1933. Also notable is the size of the logs—a cabin built with only four logs!

The trail followed the east arm of Lake Itasca and climbed a high ridge. The trees were ghostly with frost in the cloudy, foggy day.

Green Lichens and red Highbush Cranberry berries were almost shocking in their brilliant color compared to the vast white/gray/brown landscape we ‘shoed’ through.

After our climb to the ridge, we descended to a small lake about halfway around the loop. It looked wild and remote.

We continued to pass by giant White Pines, the ‘ancient’ ones in the diverse, frosted forest. It was a snowshoe hike that opened my lungs and strained my legs. When we stopped to rest, the snowy quiet bathed my senses, and it all felt so good.

Towards the end of the trail we saw this little snowman tree—an evergreen wrapped in a blanket of snow—surrounded by his young deciduous friends.

A cluster of Paper Birch trees epitomized our old year/new year weekend. The old Birch had wounds and peeling bark, layers of lichens and moss, and had lost the white luster of a young Birch. The young ones grew from the base of the elder and had been nourished by the extensive root system of the old one. Old and new ending and starting from the same place.

We ended our year in the same place we began our new year, and yet, it still had a different feel from one day to the next. The Mississippi River runs deep in the heart and soul of those who lived and died on and beside the River like Chris’ family had in the little village of Cassville. Chris feels it when he sees the River. My feelings about the River are more primitive, I think. I see it as life-giving water, a metaphoric trail of our life’s flowing journey, a barrier and boundary that stresses us in our quest to ‘move on,’ and a rich source of unbridled beauty. The Great River Road, complete with all its bridges, seems to be our human solution to encompass all of those things. I didn’t realize until I was writing how the The Great River Road, along with the flowing River, has connected our present living location to the Brake homeplace in Wisconsin and to the place where Chris’ only sister Mary began her life.

Mary was born with Down Syndrome, and in the mid-fifties, it was common practice for the medical community to recommend and facilitate the institutionalization of babies like Mary. She never came home from the hospital but was sent to a place on the other side of the state—by the Great River. Imagine the shock and trauma of every member of the family, especially for Mary and Chris’ Mom. Mary eventually returned to the west side of the state, closer to home, and she spent holidays and vacations with her parents and five brothers. Finally, with the social emergence of group homes, she had a real home to live and work in—she flourished at her vocational services job for thirty-seven years and built friendships with her cohorts and caregivers with her loving and outgoing personality. She was a joy to our family and to all who met her in so many ways. Mary’s life ended one week after the beginning of the New Year. She will be buried high on a hill that overlooks the Great River in Cassville. We will travel the The Great River Road to be there.

And thus, we begin, again, at the beginning of a New Year with hope and expectations. We also begin, again, at the beginning of another January of grief at the loss of a sibling, the same as we were just one year ago when Chris’ brother Jon died. But we aren’t really starting at the beginning—the slate does not get wiped clean—but it is a new beginning, nonetheless. Our grief over Mary’s death gets added to the grief over Jon’s death and brother Paul’s death, and Chris’ parents’ deaths, and my Dad’s December death seven years ago, along with the ongoing grief of broken relationships that have a deep river flowing through them with no bridge in sight. What does one do with such grief? It will take a while for us to get our bearings again, but we will. With each grief-filled experience, we have learned that we will get through it, even when the hurt feels unbearable. We have become resilient in a way that wasn’t planned or wanted. It has strained our hearts and made them stronger. It has opened our awareness to the tragedy, joy, heartbreak, goodness, chaos, and peace of living these lives we have been given. And every time we walk in the forest, we will be bathed in unbridled beauty and quiet, and it will all feel so good.

Potential Flow

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I can feel my grief starting to soften. I think it comes from practice after years of enduring and moving through grief I thought I could not bear. Grief can be ice hard and immovable. It can build up in your heart, layer upon layer, as you realize all you have lost. When grief resides within you, it doesn’t leave much room for anything else. Time, tears, energy, and grace can begin to soften it.

It’s a fickle time of year. Last weekend’s warmth melted the majority of our snow, but cooler temps on Tuesday brought more snow and substantial wind chills. Thursday was a Spring-is-here day with warm sun, temps in the high 40’s, and those wonderful, wispy Spring clouds. I walked, or rather, slogged through slush at Mississippi River County Park. It takes longer to melt ice from the rivers and even longer from most of the lakes once the snow has disappeared. The River that was a road in the heart of Winter was now impassable by any means. It contained all states of aqua—ice, snow, slush, water, and vapor rising in the heat of the sun. It had all softened and some had melted, and in a few places, water was actually flowing.

The trail was snowy and slushy in most places with mud and standing water in others. It was slippery and sloshy walking, but man, did it feel good to be out there! The unveiled moss was the only hint of the lush green that was to come.

At the boat ramp, water pooled over ice along the bank, and dirty, gravely snow and sludgy water melted and trickled. Everything was still constrained, but the potential for flow could be felt and seen.

Across the River, Red-twigged Dogwood fired up the bank with color, and an immature Bald Eagle perched on a high branch.

The River observer saw me before I saw him. He was two or three years old, not solid brown like a juvenile yearling, but not yet ‘balded’ with white head feathers and a white tail. His beak was still brown, but the yellowing of it had started at his cheeks. I wondered if he was in some stage of molting since his wing feathers looked sparse and his mottled chest disheveled. He sat in a wreath of swelling leaf buds—another sign of the impending Spring.

A flurry of hoarse honks drew my attention farther down the River to a line-up of Canadian Geese on an ice edge. Most were sleeping with their heads tucked along their backs; some had one foot drawn up to their bodies—a supreme yoga balancing act.

Perhaps it is their tree pose of balance, calm, and strength—feeling rooted while dreaming of flying in the sky.

An unexpected death can knock a person off balance—as can an unexpected natural disaster, diagnosis, or war. The impact on our bodies and minds can be devastating, particularly for those who have experienced trauma in other forms or at other times. We have a natural, innate system to protect us at the time—fight, flight, or freeze—which way depends on our experiences, circumstances, and personalities. Grief tends to be the ‘aftershock’ of the traumatic or unexpected event and is often immobilizing, like a river of ice. It freezes our ability to function in an open-hearted way. It takes an extraordinary amount of energy just to process grief, so it’s no wonder the ‘normal’ things in life get neglected. But ice and grief can soften. It can get messy in the half and half stage. But pretty soon, there is a loosening, and there is movement over and under the hard places. Finally, the frozen grief is melted and integrated into the flow of our lives—not forgotten, but transformed to a new state. It helps to be an observer of our own selves and the process. It helps to remember what fires us up, warms us, opens us. And it helps to practice coming back to balance and calm in whatever way works, be it yoga, meditation, or qigong. We find our equilibrium again—like a tree—steadily rooted and reaching high into the sky.

Home (alone) on the Range

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Nobody wants their Christmas shrouded in a pall of sadness…or their birthdays…or any other special day. Expectations about Christmas have been marketed, hyped, idealized, and Hallmark movie-ized. We even do it to ourselves—we remember the child-like wonder of Christmases past or are determined to create it if we did not experience it ourselves. But in real life, in the calendar-is-not-in-charge-of-life life, special days are just like any other—people die, get sick, get hurt, get mad, and feel sad. There were a number of years when the kids were small that I was always sick on Chris’ after-the-holidays birthday. My body just sort of crashed after the flurry; I feel that this year, too.

The loss of a loved one inhabits our bodies—beyond the broken hearts we can most readily acknowledge. We are intricately and mysteriously tied to those we love, in heart, mind, and soul, but also in body. It does us good to remember that and to honor ourselves and our aching bodies in the grieving process.

Grief also does another thing—it clears our calendars for us. Well, if not clear them, it writes its name at the top of every page, of every day. It steers the agenda whether we are aware of it…or not. So all our time we had in Kansas City and in Austin over the holidays, no matter what was on the agenda, Grief was by our side. At our ‘busy’ times, it trailed along behind us, only poking us with an occasional memory. But during quieter times, open times, the loss of Jon (along with many other significant losses that Grief lassos to the present one) took center stage.

Our drive to Texas took us through Kansas and the Flint Hills Prairie. On the Kansas Turnpike there’s not much to look at besides the beautiful blue sky and the beautiful prairie grasses on the rolling hills. Beautiful even in Winter. In that emptiness, I am soothed, and it allows an array of feelings to be laid out like a crazy quilt and examined and felt. Without distractions, our hearts and minds and bodies can do the work of grief more easily, though ‘easy’ is hardly the word to use for the process.

A sign alerted us to a scenic pullover to take in the splendor of the largest remaining intact tallgrass prairie in the world and to see the Bazaar Cattle Pens. We stepped out of the car into a very strong, chilly wind. We saw the herd hunkered down out of the gale—but it wasn’t a cattle herd—it was a Pronghorn Antelope herd!

Pronghorns are the fastest land mammal in North America—living on the open prairie requires running rather than hiding in order to get away from predators. Their excellent eyesight allows them to see things up to four miles away. They are definitely home on this range.

A bridge—the Bazaar Cattle crossing—allowed us to cross the interstate to go right up to the cattle pens used to sort, work, and transport cattle from the ranches.

I loved this old hook latch on the outside of the pen’s weathered board. It didn’t look like it was for anything, but at one time, it held a gate open or shut, or held an integral piece of equipment for the cattle working process. I wonder how old it is…

We did see two inhabitants who were ‘off work’ at the time. They and the Pronghorns have an amazing place to live!

We left Bazaar, left Kansas, drove through Oklahoma into Texas for a night’s rest before our final leg to Austin.

Up to a certain point in my life, grief was dealing with the loss of someone old through death, and as a young person, that was enough. I didn’t really know grief and understand it like I do now until the years prior to my mid-century mark. And then, it knocked me off my horse, crushing the air and energy out of me. Grief also encompasses the death of long-held beliefs and losses of living people and places that were deeply loved, cared for, and cherished. Heart-breaking. Mind-numbing. Soul-crushing. Body-aching. The open prairie, an enormous Cottonwood tree, and a wise woman elder were my canvas and guide on my grief journey. The prairie has few distractions, and you are left with yourself and your pain—just where we need to be. Grief and the pain that goes with it can pile up like tumbleweeds against a fence line and overwhelm us once again. But once a person rides through the prairie of pain, it is much easier to navigate the next death or the next loss with respect and honor. You stay in the saddle and ride on.

Paring Down to Bare

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“Look for the bare necessities, the simple bare necessities of life.”

by Phil Harris and Bruce Reitherman from the Jungle Book

We are a fickle bunch.  We all have our own ideas of what the seasons should and shouldn’t be—Fall’s too short, Winter’s too long, Summer’s too hot, did we even have Spring this year?!  We love the Hallmark renditions of the seasons and wish for three perfect months of that.  The last two weeks have been a pretty perfect Fall here in Central Minnesota—even with the caveat that an early hard freeze took away the slow ripening of the yellows, oranges, and reds and muted them all.

Yet Mother Nature does what she does.  The leaves have been losing their ability to use chlorophyll for energy, their colors are emerging, they are falling from the trees, and gathering like a circle skirt in the grass below the branches.

Then Mother Nature sends in the wind!  Our idyllic Autumn speeds up, and in one day whips most of the leaves to the ground.  Wait!  That was too fast!  Once again, our perception of what is happening is not the same as reality.  The Maple tree above is the last of our big three Maples to change color and drop its leaves.  The Maple tree below is the first to change—it has been changing color for over a month.  The wind won’t take down the leaves until they’re ready to let go.  The paring down process proceeds in the prescribed time, even while influenced by hard freezes and stiff winds.

Our little Larch trees turned a rich amber-gold this year instead of bright yellow, adapting to the conditions.

The Crabapple leaves browned and curled with the freeze, and when the tree is bare of leaves, it will still hold on to the fruit.

The tall, columnar Poplars dropped their leaves while still mostly green, making fragrant, messy piles in the street.  Even though the branches seem bare without the leaves, the swollen buds for next year’s leaves are already there!

While the Ash trees have lost their leaves weeks ago—the first to turn yellow, even before official Autumn arrives—this little beauty of a Maple waits until late October, its shimmering red-orange leaves take center stage.

Most trees are identified by their leaves—those of us who really know trees see the differences in shape, in bark, in seeds, in color and can name them by name without the leaves.  But losing the identity of the leaves complicates things, makes it harder to tell who is who.  However, a Kentucky Coffee Tree is still a Kentucky Coffee Tree even when the leaflets are gone.

Most of the White Oaks are bare—their non-spectacular brown leaves have fallen to the ground along with this year’s prolific crop of acorns.

But the Red Oaks are just coming into their sensational color and often hold on to their leaves into or through the Winter.

The varied Viburnum shrubs run the gamut from glossy green to yellow to freeze-induced brown—all on their own time schedule.

 

Fall is a miraculous time of year—the programmed shut-down of the growing season—the short and sweet growing season of Minnesota (reality or my perception?  Or a little bit of both?)  September brings the beginnings of the paring-down time, and by this time in October, the paring down cannot be denied as the bare branches let the sky show through.  Grief is a paring-down time, too.  It strips away the unnecessary parts of our lives like a whirlwind, and we are left with the bareness.  We are raw and vulnerable.  Often we feel like the structure of our world has collapsed.  The Hallmark rendition of our lives has been crushed.  Something precious has been taken from us.  We sit in the bare pain, the bare unfairness of it all, the bare loss.  What really matters?  What are the bare necessities of my life?  Who am I without this person, this job, this dream, this pet?  With time and introspection, we realize we are still holding on to the fruit, the buds are there for the next growing season, and the seeds have already been planted.  We look at ourselves and recognize the shape of our being and the texture of our character.  We hold on until we’re ready to let go.  And the Light shines through.

Shade at Night

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Imagine you’ve been playing or working hard in the summer sun for hours…can you feel the heat?  Then imagine sitting under the shade of a maple tree…ahhh…that feels better!  The shade offers relief from the intense sunlight, and you feel cooler and more refreshed.

Shade of the maple tree

A year ago at the end of May, we were on vacation for nine days, traveling to South Dakota and Missouri.  When we left home, the leaves were just beginning to unfold after an extremely late spring.  When we returned home, it was rather shocking to see the lawn grass going to seed and the trees fully leaved out.  That first night back, I remember I turned off all the lights before bed and was startled by the blackness.  Why was it so dark? I thought to myself.  At first I thought something was wrong–it took me a few seconds to realize the darkness was from the shade at night!

For half the year, we don’t have leaves on the trees, and for many of those months we also have the bright reflection of light off snow.  Starlight, moonlight, and lights from town down the hill shine and reflect into our numerous windows during those months.  When late spring and summer arrive, the three maple trees around our house and the trees in the surrounding woods block the light, creating shade at night and during the day.

Shade under the maple tree

Last week a darkness fell upon a young couple as their newborn baby could not be resuscitated after an emergency c-section.  My heart sank when I saw the tragic news about their firstborn son.  I flashed back to my own emergency c-section with our firstborn, and I sighed another prayer of thankfulness that our daughter made it through that scary time.  But this young couple, who tends the land and a menagerie of animals, who dreamed of and planned for and carried this baby for nine months, came home empty-handed and broken-hearted.

Broken egg shell

There are many ways to lose a child, none of which is any easier than the other.  The heartbreak is profound and deep, and it seems like nothing will ever fill the hole of despair.  For all those in a dark night of the soul, sit in the cool Shade at night.  Let the glaring distractions of the outside world be filtered out by the Protection overhead.  Let it envelop you with everything you need.  Let it bring comfort for your aching heart and hope to your weary mind.  Let it refresh you, replenish you, restore you.